


Even Mad Scientists Need to Practice Good Hygiene!

by drneocortex



Category: Crash Bandicoot (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bathing/Washing, Bubble Bath, Bugs & Insects, Canon - Cartoon, Cartoon Physics, Comedy, Cortex says the f word, Drowning, Established Relationship, Fighting, Fuck Or Die, Help, Other, POV Second Person, Partial Nudity, Relationship(s), Romantic Fluff, Romantic Gestures, Swearing, cortex has fleas, cortex is bisexual or something and wears a doggie cone, fleafic, help me, horny moment, i even outjoked myself to where i cant tell if im joking anymore, i keep talkig about this for days i cant stop, im going to drill this joke into the ground, somebody help me, x Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25988539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drneocortex/pseuds/drneocortex
Summary: Cortex has been hanging around the animals too much.
Relationships: Neo Cortex/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	Even Mad Scientists Need to Practice Good Hygiene!

**Author's Note:**

> i dont care anymore

It was another average day on the Wumpa Islands...sort of.

You and the N. Team just came back from watching The Spongebob Squarepants Movie [2004] _somewhere_ on one of these islands and are now heading back to Cortex Castle. It was just like watching the movie in theaters again when it first came out years ago. If only Cortex would've came with....

You and the rest of the group are now walking up from the beaches of Iron Island, heading towards the tall, dark, Gothic stone castle that loomed up towards the sky.

"Good movie!" You, N. Tropy, and N. Gin say in unison. N. Brio made a look at you three and shrugged. "I-I-I thought it was alright," he murmured. 

"No one asked you, Brio." Tropy replied harshly, which made the man look down at the sandy floors in shame. You thought to yourself that Cortex would've most likely say something like that to him, not Tropy. _Very_ out of character of him but you didn't think about it too much. If anything, you were mostly thinking about your super cool manlet of a boyfriend, Dr. Neo Cortex. How it would've been more fun if he went to go watch The Spongebob Squarepants Movie [2004] with you instead of feeling weirdly alone sitting to your 3 other evil mad scientist friends. Maybe even... _kiss a little._

There's a reason why Cortex didn't you to watch The Spongebob Squarepants Movie [2004] though. A very big reason indeed.

* * *

N. Tropy opens up the large wooden front door of the castle heavily and marched inside, leading you, Brio, and N. Gin back into the dark, cold lair and home of the yellow mad scientist. Every time you enter this place, you always feel empty for some reason. Is it because of the interior? What about the fact that this whole place is made out of nothing but dark stone? Dark stone isn't very homey, anyways. Maybe you could talk to Cortex about adding more things in this place to give it a more comforting feel.

After you got lead back inside, N. Gin quietly closing the front door behind you, you hear a disgruntled groan from what you assume to be from Tropy. You turn your head to see him standing towards a short man who was sitting in the shadowy corner of the castle's living room. He was wearing a lab coat and yellow gloves, and weirdly enough, he also was wearing what appears to be a dog cone around his neck. The tall, white piece of plastic covered his entire face so greatly as he as in the corner, slightly slumped over. He didn't move a single muscle.

Tropy shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Brio walked over to the tall blue man, looked at the dog coned scientist, and back at Tropy. 

"H-Has he been s-s-sitting there ever since w-we left?" Brio whispered, leaning in towards the time lord. 

"I assume so, " Tropy grumbled back. "He hasn't even _bothered_ to get up and bathe yet..."

"That c-cone does s-s-seem very hum-miliating..." Brio gulped. "I'm glad I-I-I'm n-not in his place."

"YOU _KNOW_ I CAN HEAR YOU **BOTH** , RIGHT?" The coned scientist bellowed, turning his head towards the direction of Tropy and Brio's voices. 

"Cortex, why haven't you moved in over two freaking hours, eh?" Tropy sighed. "You've been like this for a few days, you're making this much more harder than it should be."

"Why should I? You're not my mother!" Cortex argued. "Nor my daddy! Besides, it's not my fault I got flying fiends all over my magnificent body."

"W-Well...I-I mean you h-h-have been h-hanging around the w-wild a-a-animals we held captive a b-b-bit t-too much lately." Brio said. "I-I don't think w-we ever even bothered t-to w-w-wash them before turning th-them into m-m-mutants!"

"You two didn't wash your damn animals?" Tropy replied. He had a look that expressed both concern and shock all at the same time. "Who does that? That's disgusting!"

"Dr. Cortex d-d-didn't t-tell me to--"

" **SHUT UP**!" Cortex shrieked, hopping up onto his feet. "SILENCE YOU FOOLS!! IT IS _NOT_ MY _FAULT_ , YOU HEAR ME? It was that MOTHERFFFFUCKING BANDICOOT."

You could hear Cortex's heavy angered breathing in the room. Before you know it, he began to itch his side while panting. Poor thing almost gave his lungs out. 

After a few seconds of catching his breath, Cortex cleared his throat and fixed his posture into a more professional stance, still slightly itching in some places.

"That goddamn marsupial must've had fleas before transferring them to me," Cortex theorized. "Don't you DARE fucking tell me that it's all my fault that I got these tiny bloodsuckers. I know how to make mutants, for petes sake! Why do you need to wash filthy, cutesy looking animals when you're already going to zap them with lasers, make them become big, buff, and butch and force them to obey you?"

"Professionals." Tropy said. "Literal professionals."

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL!" Cortex whined. "I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ONE!!" 

Brio furrowed a brow at Cortex and tugged on Tropy's lab coat. He waved a hand, signalling him to come over to the side to talk. Tropy crouched down a bit to get to Brio's level. 

"I-I don't th-think it's worth arguing w-with him." Brio said. "W-We n-n-need to come up with a p-plan to get rid of Dr. Cortex's f-f-fleas."

Tropy nodded in agreement. "Right. I don't even understand why he refuses to bathe though...this is so _easy_ to cure."

"C-Cortex is fucking disgusting. W-What d-d-do you expect from him?"

While the two scientists whisper to the side about what to do, You just stood there. Your eyes lock onto your flea infested, doggie coned lover, who's now whining in the corner about how itchy he is. He frantically itching around his whole body, wiggling and making weird little poses as hes trying to reach all the scratchy spots. It was almost... ** _cute_** \--in a way. But that was just your weird little self, isn't it?

After a few minutes, Tropy and Brio popped their heads back up from their little huddle. They turned their heads to you as you just cluelessly watched Cortex now literally drag his ass across the floor like a dog. Tropy cleared throat and stood in a professional posture, one of his arms behind his back. He shifted his eyes from side to side before yelling at the top of his British lungs "LAST ONE HAS TO BATHE CORTEX!!" before he and Brio quickly raised their hand in the air and said "Not it!" in unison.

This quickly snapped you out of your state of watching Cortex's flea covered suffering. Before you said anything, you heard N. Gin's little igor voice shout "Not it!" as well. You made a look, and turned your head to face the cyborg. He was walking over to Cortex with a large bag of dog food in his hands. He noticed your look, and sent one back. A look that spelled out 'Sorry' along with a slight shrug.

Tropy and Brio both look at you. They had smiles on their faces. "Guess who has to bathe the mad scientist?" Tropy sneered before both scientists broke out into a hearty laugh.

You. It was you. And you were too freaking late. 

You just stood there without saying a word. You quickly look back at Cortex just to see that he's now getting suffocated from N. Gin filling his cone with dried kibble.

That poor thing. That poor, poor fucking bastard.

* * *

It was now 10:35 PM in the evening. 

The castle was quiet. N. Gin and Brio were already off to bed, and as for N. Tropy? God knows where he is. He could be traveling space and time right now, but fuck that guy. It was just you and your little flea covered menace. 

You were brushing your teeth in the bathroom. You were thinking about how you were going to get Cortex to bathe. As you slowly made a plan in your head, your eyes shifted towards the nice bathtub Cortex has in the bathroom your in. After a few seconds, a hatchling of a plan broke out of your brainstorming shell. You knew _exactly_ what to do.

Spitting into the sink and wiping your face, you quickly walked over to the bathtub and began to run the water. You made sure the water was nice and warm before putting the stopper on and let the tub fill up. As you waited, you checked around the bathroom to see if you can find anything good to clean Cortex with. After you spent time finding things to kill the tiny bloodsuckers off your little cute boyfriend's disgusting, yellow body, you dumped your ingredients into the bath water one by one.

One whole bottle 36 oz bottle of MR. BUBBLE ORIGINAL BUBBLE BATH, a whole small bottle of shower gel that smells of strawberry shortcake, some bleach, bathroom cleaner, and 4 bottles of Hartz FAST ACTING, ULTRA GUARD Rid Flea & Tick oatmeal shampoo (for dogs~). The bath was a mess of cleaning products. It was a deadly, bubble bath and strawberry cake smelling of an bad act of Alchemy in a 40 - 60 year old man's bathtub. Even the amount of bleach you put in there made your eyes burn when you stuck your face too close to the water just to smell it's confusing strawberry smell. This is terrible. Perfect for killing fleas!

Now, it was time to get the beast. You turn off the tub's water and watched the bunches of foamy soap bubbles rise and float in the bathwater. It was like you grabbed a cloud out of the sky and shoved it in a large bin. A grin grew on your face as you stepped out of the bathroom and into Cortex's bedroom.

Cortex was sitting on the bed wearing a blood red silk robe. The robe was loosely tied and Cortex was just now removing the dog cone from his head. He sighed as he scratched his face and neck as he looked at the cone. Anger grew in his eyes and the tossed the cone to the side in annoyance. 

"I think that thing left an imprint on my throat..." Cortex mumbled to himself. As you walked into the room, Cortex quickly turned his head and smiled at your presence. 

"Y/N!" He chirped out happily. He quickly hopped off the bed and walked towards you, holding his arms out for a hug. You made a look and quickly held out your hand, pushing him back to keep a distance from you and him. Cortex blinked until remembering why you did such a thing, which just made him frown a bit. 

"Oh, yes..." Cortex mumbled. "I kind of forgot about that. My...apologies." He looked up at you, watching his arm before smiling again. "It's about time you've gotten out of the restroom. You ready for bed, my _wonderful dearest?"_

"Actually," You started. "I was wondering if you wanted to...take a bath with me?"

Take a bath with you. Those words made Cortex's face turn a deep red in shock. They repeated like echos in a cave as Cortex's face then gave a large smile with half-lit eyes. 

" _Oh?_ You're inviting me to come bathe...with you?" Cortex purred. "Dirty! You're _so dirty!_ What's the occasion..?"

You shrugged and smirked at him. "Oh, nothing." you say. You turn around and head out towards the door. "C'mon, let's go while the bath is still warm."

Cortex grinned and quickly followed you into the bathroom. He looked at the giant, bubbly mess you made in the tub. This made him make a confused look as you silently close the bathroom door. Cortex wasn't going to complain though, a bath's a bath. Cortex then scratched one last scratch behind his head before slowly removing his silk robe. The shiny dark red of the silk slipped down his shoulders and arms, exposing the acne scars and few moles that rested on his yellow skin. His chest later became uncovered, revealing more acne scars and a small cluster of chest hair developing on the middle of his yellow skinny body. You can kind of see his rib cage peer through his skin.

Nasty motherfucker.

As the silk robe then dropped to the floor, you grabbed a pair of kitchen gloves from under the sink and put them on. You then grabbed a sponge and slowly crept behind the unsuspecting mad scientist. So sad that you basically are now tricking him into getting a flea bath and not having a sexy, naked persons couples bath with you. You're awful.

But there's no time to talk of morality, now's the time to remove the tiny fleas that's crawling all over Cortex's icky body at this point. You closed your eyes and silently counted to 3, a slow plot of deciding when to pounce and throw Cortex into the tub.

1...

You gripped your sponge.

2...

You gritted your teeth

3...

You violently grabbed Cortex by the arm, making Cortex now draw all of his attention to you in shock. 

"Y/N??!" Cortex squealed. "Y/N WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

You didn't answer. Now's not the time to answer. Now is the time to remove these goddamn fleas. You began to push Cortex towards the tub, but the smaller male began to fight back. He tried to push back against your body and tried to remove your hand from his arm by violently trying to shovel under and trying to find a grip of your hand to pry it off. But he seems to be a bit too little, and too stuck between you and the bathtub to do anything.

You moved Cortex's arm away from you to stall him so you can quickly remove your hand from it and grab his torso to lift him up. Cortex didn't like that, he kicked and wiggled as you tried to grab him. "STAY STILL BITCH" You shouted. You were at least glad that he was still in his underwear, because if not...then this whole thing would've been rated M. And no one likes the M rating!! Why didn't you guys go watch The Spongebob Squarepants Movie [2004].

Cortex tried to slip out of your grasp by trying to slip behind you down your back and near the door. But that was stopped by you grabbing him by his hair.   
  


"AAH!! OW OW OW OW OW!!!! T-Too rough! **NOT THE HAIR**!!" Cortex pleaded. Perfect, just enough time to throw him in the tub. And you did.

You lift Cortex up over your head and slammed him down into the warm pool of water and soap bubbles. The collision between Cortex and the water was immense as a bunch of water and soap suds flew back up and spilled every where on the tiled ground. You peered over the water as you watched Cortex struggle to recognize where he was at. His eyes were closed as he squirmed around underwater trying to find something to latch onto. He kicked his legs in the air, splashing more water in different directions. You probably even heard him accidentally breathe in some water as you heard a weird noise coming from him. You then reached your hand into the water and lift Cortex's head up by grabbing one of his now soaked hair tuffs. 

Cortex coughed and gasped for air as you helped him reach above the surface of the water. It wasn't even that deep! This fucker is just being dramatic. Cortex spent a few minutes coughing before resting his head on the side of the bathtub, his wet hair tuffs drooping to the sides of his head almost looking like sad, wet puppy ears. Cortex slowly opened his eyes to be met with you smiling at him. This only made Cortex form a small frown on his face,

He then spit out some water before giving you a death look. All this did was make you laugh, causing Cortex to blush a bit after realizing the condition he was in. No one would take a death look of his seriously after he got thrown into the water, looks like a wet dog, and got his banana boxers all wet. All is not too bad though, as after you finished laughing, you peered down to Cortex and gave him a loving little kiss on the forehead...

...before quickly replacing that kiss with a wet sponge full of Hartz FAST ACTING, ULTRA GUARD Rid Flea & Tick oatmeal shampoo (for dogs~) to the face.

Why didn't you watch The Spongebob Squarepants Movie [2004] with him.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this fic was. basically a joke but honestly who gives a crap i had fun anyways.  
> plus ive never written an X Reader so this is like my first time? Not like I'll ever write one again.
> 
> sad i write this instead of continuing my bat cortex fic because i dont know how to continue it.


End file.
